Yvette

It was always me, alone.
It was always, "Why me? Alone?"
Everything seemed wrong.
I always felt trapped.
There was never that "light at the end of the tunnel".
Happiness relied on others. Never from within.

This summer, I became isolated. I abandoned everyone.
I focused on me, and those closest around me. Literally.
I decided that I needed something to change me, because
I felt that I really was crumbling into something disastrous.
I was unhappy.
Unhappy with my position, my family, our "bonds". Most of all, unhappy with myself.
I felt unworthy. Un-important.

I doubted myself. Who was I ?
These people I took upon myself to call "friends", I treated like dirt.
I was no real friend. I was a "pretender".
I neglected them when they needed me the most.
I never bothered to get back to them in a reasonable time-frame.
Then, I would over apologize for these wrong doings, as if it meant everything.
It was the worst way to appear as if I even cared.

This summer, I picked up this book*.
Without taking anything seriously, since I considered myself to be a free mind with no anchors holding me down to one single belief.
I skimmed the pages and read randomly.
The words printed across each page concealed the answers to everything. It continues to do so.
Encouragement, motivation, change.
This changed me.
I saw that light, finally.
I realized what's important. I realized who I want to be. I realized where I want to be, where I want to go.
I realized that I wanted to change myself. For the better, and sincerely.
It was achievable. It is achievable.
And so, slowly, I felt this heavy sense of suffocation gently begin to shed from me, each day, as I read these printed words.

Although I've been one of the worst, I knew this could all be turned around.
I'm not a bad person.
My heart is gentle.

I became happy. Happy with myself. A confidence emerged that was never there before. Even if only slightly.
That alone was more than I could have asked for.
I didn't need anything to make me happy. I felt good with what I had. No matter if those heavy blocks remained in my way, I learned that it didn't take much effort to climb over them, and continue on my path.


That is Faith.

Good job today !

=D

At "I ♥ Pho"  !

Wait, is that right ? o.O

I thought the rice was cute, it was shaped like a heart :} AWWW.

I guess...so were the vegetables ? I can't remember :p . Actually just looked at the picture and saw the formation in the veggies, so, it might have been, but i didn't notice it then ;__; .

Food was good !


That was for yesterday !

THERE.

:p


Vietnamese food ain't too bad, aye ? =D


I had to cancel the plans for the day, but good thing chances are always still around for other days !

I'm really excited about some, well, actually 2 movies that are coming out soon !

The most recent release being that of Cirque Du Freak: The Vampires Assistant (coming out in October this year ! ) and the second release being that of Alice in Wonderland (releasing in March 2010 ! ) !

Okay, so Cirque Du Freak is a movie based off of a book series (I read the first series in middle school and became obsessed ! ). It is a book about vampires, to say the least. The book is something that would appeal to a much younger crowd, since the characters are in between the ages of 13-14, if I can remember correctly ? Any who, I still believe it is very entertaining and I would not mind reading it again just to refresh my memory from the time I read it when I was like...13 ? YES ! haha.

check it out !



I also just found out, about two hours ago, that there is a manga...for this series...hmm, interesting, I want to see that !
Anyway, back to the movie !
So, after watching this trailer before watching G.I. Joe with Adriana Salsazar (lol, we both love Cirque Du Freak, but she does more, harr), I couldn't help but feel...a little let down by it. The reason for that is because although there are a lot of things that were pulled from the book, there seems to be a lot that wasn't.

HOWEVER ! ...

I just learned that the author of the book, Darren Shan, has stated that the movie is "loosely" based on the book, which means that the main basis is from the book and all, but there is a lot that has been altered for the movie. So, in simpler words, it's not going to be exact. Which THEN means that we shouldnt expect the movie to be much like the book, so we have to kind of ... forget about the book, and watch the movie kind of like as it's own thing. Does that make...any sense ? lol
So yeah ! I decided that I am still going to watch it, and just enjoy it and whatever goes, right !

The second movie !!!

ALICE IN WONDERLAND . . .

MY GOSH, the settings, costumes, themes, all look amazing. Also, Johnny Depp is going to be in this movie, HOW COOL ? !
I haven't read the actual book (I know, minus brownie points =( ), but I did really love the animated Disney movie of this story. Even today, it continues to be one of my favorites, because everything is so bizarre and just...I don't know ! It just really opens up the imagination to a great degree ! Or at least I think so ! It's just wonderful !
So, I'm super excited. That one will be watched, no doubt !



Tim Burton...genius !

Hey, I'm back !


Honestly, I feel very good.
This is what's up.

Although so many things ARE, in FACT, out of their place (from where I'd like everything to be), I feel like these things are happening all for a better result far out there, in the time that is to come sooner than we believe.

Having separated myself for almost an entire month, has really, sincerely, cleansed my soul, and most of all, opened my eyes and heart.
I feel that I have been touched by the most gentle hands, and I have been lifted and am being held within those hands, everyday now. There is this springing joyful spirit in me, that I want to let out so badly. I am so much closer to being at this peace that I have hungered for so long.

I feel happy. Happy for WHAT I HAVE. That's something that I never felt before. I always lived complaining about wanting better.
Not anymore.

And truth, although I can't say that I am 100% pure of those toxins that existed within me, I do know that everyday, I release just a little more, bringing me so much closer to their end. And I couldn't ask for anything more.

With that being said, I feel as I have been born again. Even if it that required me to close complete contact with everyone for the duration of that month, I am so glad that I did. Because this has brought happiness within me. It's brought a new light in me, that I will not dare to ever lose. I want to live this way forever. The feeling is incredible.
I don't feel as if anything is missing in my life, because what I have now is good enough. Though, if anything new decides to stop on my "door way", I will, with open arms and an open heart, accept it into my temple. I want to embrace everything and be everything good.
I'm living to serve my Lord, and at my hardest, I will attempt this.


I wish the world amazing health and good fortune =)
Have faith, because anything is possible if you truly believe it can be achieved.

Today was . . . a bad day . . . as far as my control issues go =x

My diet for today consisted of a nice start to the day, oatmeal, but rather soon fell into the pit of shameful indulgence ! Lunch was : Banana Cake, 2 bowls of ice cream, Teddy Grams, and some Chocolate. OMG (_ _ )

This shit seriously needs to stop !




LOL, I always say that :P



It's so hard though !
I am amazed at how good I used to be at it, and I wonder just how I did it before !? Though, seriously, I need to quit doing all of that.

I got my hair cut today. Should have known that anybody BUT Tina can do a good job at all. But no, I decided to give that other girl a chance, and well, I now no for sure, it's either Tina, or NO ONE ELSE. PERIOD.
In short, it looks like shit. I look stupid :( .

Um, I had like, 0 dollars starting today (besides 23, which ended up going for my screwey haircut), haha. But omg, I found out I had about 44 bucks in this other card, and I used some of it =X ! about 20 bucks worth of it. So, that's like half.

I'm becoming one of those sick people who buy things and blow all of their money without thinking first. I used to save up well !


Oh yeah, so I have overdraft in my bank account :( .
Turns out that the CD's I purchased from CDJAPAN, didn't charge me until later after they were sent. THEREFORE, I believed I had more money than I truly did in reality. Since then (because I wasn't aware of this until yesterday night), I have purchased a few things using my bank account card, 2 gifts for a friend of mine, a shirt (fucking 52 bucks), and make-up samples, and I'm sure there was more useless crap in there. What I'm getting at, is that I was at -$53.20. LMAO.
So, I had to deposit about 74 bucks today to pay off that debt and have at least SOMETHING in the bank. That leads me to having ZERO moneys at this time :( . Not even a stinkin' dollar.


Which reminds me, I need a JOB.

Created by Train Horns



How many more years before I lose my hearing ability !?

I already hear static in my left ear ! :o

I have nothing to do, today is boring !

What to do ?




So, I kind of cooked again today. Kind of . . . and it was good .



:s


Bye ?


LMAO
XD


Oh FACK, I have to study for math DX !

WHAT DO I DO ?!?

WHAT SHOULD I DO ?!?

I DON'T KNOW !!



What's that supposed to mean ?
Did I wait too long ?
Damn . . .



Anyway . . .

Haha, let's put on the happy mood, to conceal my deep confusion and disappointment in what is currently taking place within my circle of...life...


So, on Youtube, since it is summer and all, people have been posting a lot of videos on "how to create abs". LOL, I think it's lame if anyone actually does this. I mean, if you are planning in getting into the ocean, (or pool, lake, whatever) then you probably shouldnt even put any make-up on your body, because, no crap, the water will no doubt wash it away. So, it's pointless to say the least.
But um, haha, I came across this video, of this girl, poking fun at it XD. I seriously cracked up a whole lot !





hahahahahah

And to top it off, it gave me a stomach ache ! haha.

But my point, is that I want some of this drink. Not Almond flavor, of course, :p lol.

Oh, Sushi Rolls,
Why so good ?

Why must you keep me chasing after you ? Why ?


Today was sooooo good.

First, I went and bought me a new hand bad and a cute vest ! Then I got bubble tea, which, wasn't so good...but still !
And then, omg, I had that beauty up there .
I went to Avocado California Roll and Sushi again, and this time I ordered, "Too much Love". Facking AMAZING !

I really love it there, even though it is only my second time. The staff are always so nice, the atmosphere is so cozy (not to mention the place is so nice), and their food is seriously, THE SHIT. haha.

And, omg. The chef (who also was being a waiter for us) gave us free salad and ice cream !! *o* And he kept teasing me, due to my beastly ability of devouring all of my food, leaving no trace of its existence, LOL. I ate all of my salad, and when he came back to collect that dish, he picked up my sisters', and then mine (which was empty, lol) and said, "Oh, it's clean !" and laughed . haha. It's cool, he was a nice Japanese man. And the waitress was so sweet ! She was very pretty.
And haha, the ice cream ! Fack, that stuff was good. I'm not sure what the flavor was, but I think it could have been plum, or Red Bean ice cream. But it was funny, because the Chef/waiter asked us what we thought about it, and after we told him, he laughed and told me, "ah, don't drink anymore !" and walked away, which he basically was saying there was alcohol in the ice cream. DUDE, we aren't even allowed to be drinking yet, hahahaha. But, it was really good.

We decided to leave a $13 tip, because they were just soooo nice and served us AMAZING food.


Tomorrow is Father's day ?
Aye, bad timing in my life .___. ...

I often ponder how it would all be. And I don't think it's weird at all. When I was little, I always wanted to be a boy .__. ...
hahaha.

I'm okay being a girl now, sometimes it just sucks, but I believe it is the same way with being a guy. Good days and bad days.

I had very boyish interests at the young, tender ages. I really loved this little board-play-set thing which had plastic trees and dinosaurs !! I liked playing with the hot wheels, I always chose to play male characters from T.V. or whatever. I would spend most of my time with my dad, even though he smoked up a storm. Most of my friends were boys.

And girls were just mean and annoying to me.

So with all this kind of influence, no shit I was a tom-boy !

Anyway... D:

If I were a guy...

( this would totally be my style !! )


Other random happenings in my oh-so exciting life: I cut my bangs,FINALLY. All by my lonesome, again, haha. Will be cutting them even shorter, because I am basically not done yet. Annnd, yeah ! That's about all I have to say.

Later!

Today is one of those days ... I don't feel like doing anything and the smallest activities tire me out !

Know why ??? It's that TIME of the MONTH, HAH !

Yeah... :\ Not feeling my best. I have also consumed enough food for an entire week !



I cooked today !!!




hahaha, ewwww. It looks really gross!!
What's in there !? Well, we got some tofu, carrots, celery, cashews, onions, garlic and broccoli stems !

You know, it was one of those experimental things. I had no recipes and not enough ingredients to make much with. So, I basically slathered all kind of sauces and powdery salts into it ! There were too many things going in there that I cannot even recall them all ! haha. omg. And yeah, kinda burned the pan with the food :s ! JEEZ X]

The taste was...average ? Let's just say that this wouldn't require many functioning taste buds ...

Is the rain finally gone?! ('A' )


It's been raining horribly for like, 2 days. Where did it come from ? It is a mystery, even to me...



So, it has been brought to my attention that a trip to New York at the time is only costing about $170 for both a ticket there and back !! That means, that if I really wanted to, I could buy tickets now, and GOOOO !!
BUT FACK !! They wouldn't let me go alone :( ...
I'm just hoping that in the very near future, the tickets are still this cheap, and then maybe I can have some company ! Going to New York would cross out one of my dreams of the list !



I have to try harder at achieving my short term goals. I'm working to slow at this time, and it's sad since I really have all the time in the world! Well, sort of!

Again, I need to re-establish them to remind myself:

- Study to Pass Stupid Accuplacer
- Lose 4-5 kg/10-14 lbs
- Get a job
- Learn to Drive
- Better myself as a whole
- Do better in school - GET SMART !!
- Learn better/more Japanese


Hm, I know there was more to that list before...

Anyway, I think it is all developing slowly, and I do believe that I will get to these at some point. I don't lose that hope, at least.

P.S. for today, I tried Veggie Hot Dogs ! Yeah, not too bad !!!

Lately nothing interesting has happened...

What was supposed to be interesting, ended up being a total failure, it seems. It honestly makes me sad. At first I felt like, "why did I get into that?!" However, now, I believe I am the one who was rejected...because, I am the one who is feeling so sad about it, wishing it would have been different. Or..even thinking of what I could have done differently.

But...I really can't continue thinking about it so much, even though I cannot help it. I can't, because it is only making me feel pretty low, and this is what I am trying to avoid now.



Anyway...

One of my close friends graduated Saturday! YaY !
Unfortunately I couldn't be there. I had no way of going =( . But she mentioned she will have a graduation party (I guess a formal or bigger one this time) in about 2 weeks, and I really don't want to miss that either! I want to be there for her! So, I'm going to try to get her a little gift, and attend the party. She wants me to wear a dress, haha, so, I guess I shall! I'll wear some heels, even though I cannot walk in them X) .


I am highly considering taking Summer 2 courses. I will either take P.E. or Photography. I have the options open, because I need to find out if my core (University core) even requires me to take P.E. I don't want to waste money on a class that I will not end up needing after-all. I know that I do need Photography/Printmaking/etc., and among those I chose photography, because it has been a long, inactive interest of mine! Maybe finally I can learn about it, and maybe even become obsessed with it! Haha, I wouldn't mind it!


Some things came to mind some time ago! I want to be a dancer! o:
Like, the cool girls, that dance to hip hop and do all those cool dance moves. Hmm...dancing is so much fun...if only...
I actually looked up "dance courses/lessons" online, and found a few in my area, but it seems that I will be stuck doing an entire year or so of Jazz dance, or Ballet, as basics, to then get me to the Hip Hop level. Which means...I will be stuck in with little munchkins...but of course, what else should one expect? If your a newb, you start with the newbs.
Classes are pretty expensive, so I don't know if I would be able to pay for dance classes and save up for University...it seems rather impossible at this point. So, hmm, =(, that sucks.

BUT...

one day, I will do it all =) !
I will also be accomplishing my biggest goal and dream in life =o ... I believe it ! XD

Well, there is no point in talking about such pointless things!!
So, I guess this is it for now!

Bye bye! =)

Today I did nothing ...

I just woke up, did my daily exercise, and then I helped my mom clean around the house.

My sis invited me to go out to eat with her and her boyfriend, but there were too many difficulties on my part that kind of made it somewhat impossible for today. And then other problems outside of my bubble, lol.

Hopefully soon though, I will be able to see her again!! Can't wait!!


Happy first of June!!
New month means you can start something out fresh, aye?!? YEAH!
So, this month I am really going to work hard to work on myself. I also have to study for things, register for things, prepare for so much, AHH!!!
It's stressful just to think about all of that. So, for now, I won't!!

At least one great thing happened today!!

My CD's finally came!! I waited for them for a while, but they are finally here!!

I just thought I'd share that, because I am craving some of that burger today, haha.
We also ordered a chocolate cherry cake, no dairy contained. It sorta tasted like...water, but of course, that's because they used no diary in the making. It wasn't the best thing out there, but we settled for it, to give it a try, since the mango cheesecake my sister loves so much was all out! I wanted to try it ;______; ...
Next time, maybe!!

Anyway, I am bored .______.

Nothing to do...

Sluggish day -_-

Nothing to do.



And it's not even a freakin' Sunday!


I guess I could use this break...



Yesterday, I went to the Texas Rangers VS Yankees game with some friends. Hahaha, it was pretty fun, even though it started off so slow due to the rain.
The only thing that sucked, was that they had no chili for the nachos and hot dogs D: ?!? I was so shocked, but I guess that was normal to everyone else, lol. That sucked! I had to eat my nachos plainly without no meat sauce ;____; just cheese ... booo ...


Anyway though, everything else was good! I would go again for sure!!